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Sudoku
by Jim Adams

 

This numbers game is sweeping the nation—even the world. My wife has fortunately taken up this challenge. In fact, I would say she is addicted to it, and she is not only not numbers oriented, she is also not an addictive person (unlike me). Her obsession with this “game of nines” does not in the least upset me. As a matter of fact, I am grateful for her diversion as she has become much more serene in her personality since discovering the game. Our marriage has become significantly better because of Sudoku as my wife is glued to the game books, which allows me to be glued to the TV watching all manner of sports—an activity my wife has previously pleaded with me to eschew. The Sudoku game has now come into our lives in a very positive way. It is a wonderful marital aid—it’s like legal separation without the lawyers. I am convinced that the game was invented by Dr. Phil. Hey, now I know his full name—Phil Sudoku!

I do not, however, understand the attraction to this numbers game. I have very briefly attempted these numbers puzzles, but I find no compulsion to stay with them, nor do I like their English cousin—the crossword puzzle. My wife claims she is doing them to improve her mental capacity. She says Sudoku is like doing brain pushups and with each square successfully completed, she is building up her brain cells as she reminds me that my cells are being continuously washed away with my nightly wine consumption.

I am curious to know if there is some type of World Sudoku Congress that sets standards for these games. How do they determine the different levels and are the naming conventions standardized throughout the world? Perhaps the first level everywhere is called “Laughably Simple” up to the most difficult called “You Don’t Want To Come Here, Dude.” Whatever the different levels, I have noticed that my wife gets a larger eraser with each new level to which she advances. I am not sure what her current level is, but I do know her eraser no longer fits in her pocketbook.

The game also has a calming influence when we go to bed. My wife and I used to get into psychologically wrenching discussions at bedtime on such topics as “What are we going to do with the rest of our lives?” or even more wrenching “How did we screw up our first 60 years so badly?” Needless to say these topics were not sleep friendly. However, since Sudoku, bliss has returned to the bedroom. I calmly fall asleep now (aided by a wine nightcap and sleep medication) while my wife happily works on Sudoku in bed late into the night. She murmurs softly to herself “How could this (expletive) level be this hard?” “Where the (expletive) am I supposed to put the three?” “Holy (expletive), I have to erase the whole (expletive) row.” During this time in bed she is constantly filling in the squares with her #2 lead pencil and then furiously erasing. Unfortunately, I have noticed she is brushing all the erasures over to my side of the bed. I now have become paranoid—I am going to die from lead poisoning! The good news here is that my wife would then sue the Hell out of Dr. Phil and she will become a very wealthy widow. I even have visions of her sailing her 72 foot yacht in the Mediterranean. Its name emblazoned on the stern: SUDOKU: THE ERASER.